Sunday, December 27, 2009

Chewy Toy

Christmas has come and gone, ushering us toward a new year, with lots to look forward to and much we can look back on in total frick'n dismay.  A year that I for one, am damn'd glad it's coming to an end, with a hint of sci-fi animal stench that can only seen, but never described.

Tell me this isn't the most hideous piece of future 're-gifting' you've ever seen in your life!

And this is just how it ended.  I hope yours concluded more brilliantly and a whole lot less bright than mine did.

God bless ya, mom!

Anyways, the year wasn't particularly a good one.  So many misfortunes and upheaval, like the death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, all on the same day.  The King of Pop, the gloved wonder, mysteriously moon walked off into a distant strange after-life suite, full of spiderman mask wearing angels sipping Jesus juice and serving his every need, how heinous it might be.  Freak!

More tragic is Farrah.  She was always my favorite personal Charlies Angel.  Struck with the cancer and my childhood wank poster has long been misplaced.  What's a forty-one year old man to do?

We started the new year with a new President.  Yeeyowsa, people!  Gonna miss Bush, ain't we, with all his seven week vacations and Iraqi shoe tossing games he got himself involved in?  I mean when they cut those marionette strings that Cheney and Karl Rove were controlling, well, we lost the perfect politician to make fun of.  You know how the world tried to fix the lack of 'funny' now that 'W' left office?  NBC gave us Jay Leno in prime time.  Kind of makes you want the little fucker back, huh?

Edna Parker 114 years, 115 days old of Indiana held the title of the oldest living human for all of three months and some odd days, til she died 'unexpectedly' when she found out David Letterman, native to her state, and love of her life, had cheated on her with his wife.  In Letterman's defense, Edna became confused during her 112th year on the the planet.

Speaking of cheating, who could forget Tiger.  Probably no one, but good gawd, let's try!

There were other sports figures in the news, though.  Take Tour de France winner, Alberto Contador, which the best I can tell is the Spanish way of saying 'gift' because Lance Armstrong decided to just take third place.

 But I'd rather get away from the glitter of death and the sad state of the nation, and onto my crazy, bungee jump sort of year.  Lots of ups and downs, but from my perspective on the year is that I can only come out of it a stronger man.  That being said and on a side note, I am taking donations of the soap-on-a-rope kind.  Long story, don't ask, but has nothing to do with a short stint in county lock-up due my defending the honor of a tie-dye wearing, flat chested young lady fresh off the bus from somewhere near the Tetons.

Hey, I said don't ask.

Before the incident I was the proud manager of a relentlessly horrible optical retail outlet.  Where doesn't matter - EyeGlass World - but the 'why?' that I despised this place with such a passion that was so deep and dark that I considered taking my own life by thrusting an extremely sharp, polycarbonate,  hyperopic lens blank through my sclera...that, my friends, is the point I'm trying to make.  I did opt out at the last moment when I was thankfully fired by my boss, the CHEST.  First thing she'd done right the whole time I was employed there.

I took up writing, once again.  My blog, scuzzymoney, was started back in late 2008 and then soon there after, sat, collecting dust, until, once again,  I rebooted the old laptop and have yet to look back.  Through these tirades and print-directly-to-the-internet(s) episodes of diarrhea, I've been doing what I love.  And even if you aren't laughing, I am.  And what I've found is that if I can only make myself laugh, at least someone is laughing, and in my tiny world, that's good enough.  But thanks anyway!

I've met a beautiful woman who makes me happy.  A sincerely genuine person, gorgeous, smart and funny, and more importantly, is more than willing to sucker punch me in the groin if I make stupid decisions, based on lapses in better judgement, which, in the past have been the trademark for my life.

Got one thing to say to you, sweety........

All in all not a good year, not really a bad year either, but by God, it was a year.  I'm betting there isn't a single person out there that can argue with me on that.

And because I know that some people have had as self-incriminating, more downtrodden, a livelier itch in their nether regions, or flat out had a 'more' eventful year than myself, than I'm ready to help a hand. By proving, anything or anyway or anyhow, that might make yourself more pitiful than myself, then I'll consider sending my fine piece of Walmart, 100% cotton t-shirt, inflamed with Chewbacca, right on the front, to you to help bring some cheer back into your life.  It's the least I can do for someone so despondent to take me up on such an offer.  Good luck!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


HA!  Now that I've got your attention, I'll let you know that I don't really believe old St. Nick should die.  He didn't do nothing that constitute such actions.  It was just a ploy to get you to check out my blog, so close to Christmas and all.

Don't go thinking the guy doesn't have a problem though.  Check it!

See, that's what I'm talking about.  Poor guy has a problem too, and you know why? 

Hard.  Economic. Times.

Santa is feeling the crunch as well as millions of people across the country, including yours truly.  It's tough people, but you know what?  I've decided not to let it get me down.  Quite the contrary really.

You see, I'm unemployed, not much income what so ever, with some loving family members that surround me that won't allow myself nor my kids to go without.  But, and I mean but, they won't see the kind of Christmas they've seen in the past.  Strange but true, I'm grateful for this.

See, the kids won't get everything on their list, and may not get anything on the list, but they will 'get'.  They're older, in their teens, so that's some what of a double edged sword.  They aren't so young that I can fake it.  I can't go to the back yard and whittle a pine tree branch down, engrave 'Louisville Slugger' on the side and call it a bat.  On the other hand, they are old enough to know that when they do receive a shiny new piece of wood, they'll know it's not an Iphone.

I want them to know that I'm not the only one struggling, that a life lesson comes from this years Christmas, that they see that there are people on the street, cold and hungry, without family and friends they can turn to.  I want them to know things could be a whole lot worse.

Hopefully they'll see this year that Christmas is about giving rather than receiving.

Besides, I have insider information that is telling me that Santa may be cashing in what's left of his 401K and taking a vacation.

Merry Christmas All!


Friday, December 18, 2009

Rita Must Die...uh....


If you're at all a fan of the t.v. series DEXTER, and haven't seen the latest season and don't want to know what happens, don't read this.  If you're a fan of my blog or just me in particular, I do take donations.  Small bills, tens and twenties will suffice.  Thanks!


I’m real disturbed by Dexter.  Not that he tenderized Trinity (John Lithgow - cast perfectly) with a framing hammer because we all knew this was coming.  This is the structure of Dexter after all.  For a whole season he chases the bad guy while chiseling, sawing, mincing, snuffing and power tooling the other bad people of Florida, although, I can only hope that Katherine Harris is of special interest to him in upcoming seasons.
No, what has me on alert is that he’s left himself in especially bad situations that I really cannot see how he’s going to explain.  Not with much ease nor certainty.

Let’s cut this up and toss ’er in the Gulf Stream.

Deborah is on him like maggots on a corpse.  And if she isn’t then the only thing I see positive about her character is her beautifully foul mouth.  I’ve never been more turned on by a woman that can tell a person to ‘fuck off’ yet make it sound like a compliment.  She now knows that the Ice Truck Killer was Dexter’s brother and that evil lurks around every palmetto that is her family.  She was somewhat suspicious of him before, and if she isn’t now then I have to believe the writers were hired straight off the set of According To Jim.  I suspect, Deborah will be officially let in on Dexter’s secrets, in one capacity or another.  So, will she embrace this new information or will she get a bad case of diarrhea and amnesia caused by a bad breakfast burrito.  What?  This is where I see the writing going!

Trinity singled out Rita.  For no reason other then, well…what?  Okay, I know what most are saying, Rita bleeding out in a bathtub, how is this a bad thing, right? She was annoying, couldn’t put the baby to sleep or determine he had a fever without calling Dexter, and from what I could tell, she couldn’t brush her wax the kitchen floor without consulting Dexter.  She’s leeched on, was dependant and was more or less a boil on my ass.  Imagine how Dexter must’ve felt.  You are also saying, the whiny bitch got what was coming to her.  I concur.  But how does Dexter explain all this?  Rita sliced and soaking in her own DNA?  What kind of excuse will he have for Harrison rolling around, finger painting in pretty reds? How does our favorite blood spatter specialist get out of this, with any sort of realistic chance of no one knowing he was connected to Trinity, which leads me to…that there is plenty of evidence linking Dexter with the Trinity Killer.

First off, the video that there’s sure to be at Dexter‘s place of work and sanctuary.  Trinity shows up, having followed Dexter and wanders around the place like he owns it, like he’s scouting out his next bludgeoning.  Then the handshake, physical proof that the two killers knew each other.  Then, we’ll find out that Batista will suddenly and miraculously remember seeing the serial killer in the station.  Connect the dots, from one video feed to the next, people.

Oh and let’s not forget Trinity’s family.  For God sake, Dexter was a part of the family for weeks leading up to Rita being drained, which by the way, was the same time my celebration started.  Not only did he go to Four Walls builds, but he had continuous close contact with the three remaining members of the Trinity family clan.  Befriending the son, sexual favors offered up by the daughter, and the mom, well, I had hoped she would have been the next victim in the cycle, throwing herself off a large building, to no avail though.  And not only did Dex have contact, but he was there the moment SWAT came rappelling through the front windows.  How will Dexter explain all that?

And while were talking about family, what about his.  The kids.  How the hell does Dexter take care of three kids while doing his job working for the police, while Saran wrapping and miter sawing victims and, most importantly, while trying to redirect any and all suspicion.  They were a handful with Rita, but now that she’s gone, how does he keep up the hectic pace of his now?  I suspect he’ll ship the step kids off to the goofy grandparents while he takes Harrison under his wing and begins the long and inevitable teachings, that are THE CODE.

However it all goes down next year, I’m sure the Dark Passenger talks him through all the bloody messes that Dexter has got himself into but what I suspect, and fear most of all, is that the writers are going to massacre the next season, leaving us watchers dying for another favorite serial killer to root for...

I hear Manson some spare time on his hands.  Maybe we can let him go, train some cameras on him and call it reality.  That kind of fun filled carnage writes itself.  Uh...ya, maybe not.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Okay this is a weird one for me.  I find that in my continuing 'Must Die' series, the people that are in the news, on 'Extra' for ungodly days in a row, being manhandled by Chelsea Handler or simply being ridiculed by their political adversaries.  And that makes me happy because most of all, I believe most, okay all, politicians must die.  They set themselves up for it, as if it pumps through the veins of these cretins.

But today I want to talk about Tiger 'Chasing Tail' Woods.

Now I know what you're saying.

"Damn you, haven't we already played four, eighteen hole rounds too many with this guy?"

Or "Do we really care if this low life, wife cheatin', bottom feeding carp ever steps on the green ever again?"

And finally, "Who the fuck cares?  Jesus, I'm going to find another blog out there that isn't discussing this peckerheads  infidelities?"

But before you leave, bear with me.

I don't condone the guy, don't understand his thinking, and for that matter, I believe he only thinks with his penis.  But by God man, how much thinking is 'Lil Tiger' doing jumping from cheat to cheat.  Barely has time to come 'out' for air.

As for his family, my observation is that it's just that, between him and the family.

Remember when ol' Slick Willy left his DNA stained mark on Monica Lewinskys dress.  What business was it of ours?  Because he was our Commander in Chief?  Huh?

Couldn't get him on anything but him living out a fantasy of Cuban cigar coital shenanigans.  Couldn't get him on the Whitewater scandal, Trooper Gate tailgate party, and there was no Iran-Contra type allegations, although he was accused of illegally sending sex toys to the middle east, better known as the Iran-Condom debacle.  So, the guy was impeached by the House, using our wasted dollar and sent on his way two years later with a 66% approval rating.  Gotta love our Democratic process!

During this, I had a friend tell me that President Clintons 'ways' were a national security issue.  Huh?!  Why?  Because there was a good chance Hillary would go nuclear, disintegrating most of the eastern seaboard?

Had nothing to do with national security.  It had everything to with the fact that the guy loves to wet his wiener.

Same goes for Tiger.  Who does it harm, his chasing restaurant waitresses around high end, luxury hotel suites other than his family?

It certainly isn't going to affect the PGA.  Sure, he's taking a break but we all know that won't last long.  He'll be back.  They will make sure of that, because if they aren't making money, the players aren't making money, and if this happens, John Daly will more than likely lose his contract contacts with Harrah's and Jack Daniels.  And that isn't going to happen.

Speaking of endorsements, more specifically Eldrick's endorsements?  Pshaah!  We all know that Gillette will pick him up once again once he 'returns' in January, maybe February.  As for the others-Nike, GatorAid, General Mills, Cadillac etc. etc. etc., they won't leave him stranded, not for long anyway.  They can't afford it, especially knowing that someone else will pick him up quicker than Tiger can pick up a showgirl in Vegas.  He's a cash cow.

Hell, he'll probably get a few directly linked to this controversy.  Trojan maybe?  KY Jelly?  Or the Deja Vu strip club franchise?

No, the reason I'm thinking Tiger Woods must go away, must die, is that with all the money in the world, the skill to control a tiny white ball like no one in the history of golf...with all that going for him, he is a ridiculous idiot.  Doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even a professional golfer, to know that if you slice your balls into the water too many times, the groundskeeper is going to figure you out and chase you out of the country club.  An absolute 'tard that has no business taking up air space on television any more then he has the right to lead the Abstinence Clearinghouse or Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

And because he's a complete moron, we the general public have to hear about it day in and day out?  Knowing full well, that this too will pass as the Clinton controversy did, just as Kobe Bryant walked away unscathed after raping and the way Nick Nolte is still an icon, even after that mugshot?  We should be tortured because he's a hypothetical, narcissistic man-stain on our hypothetically speaking Monica Lewinsky cocktail dress?

His lifestyle is of no concern, doesn't affect my families decisions, and honestly, doesn't have any say in what kind of sneakers I find myself shopping for.

He is everywhere, all the time, and I'm damn'd tired of him.  Simply, that is the only reason, the most important reason I believe the world would be a better place if he were to get run down, gruesomely, by a retired, half blind dentist behind the wheel of a souped up golf cart.

So DIE Tiger!  I want my television viewing habits back, uninterrupted by another 'breaking news story' of your discretion's!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Wii All Need a Little Religion

The other night my son, my lovely girlfriend and myself were six hours into a Dexter marathon when an interesting topic of discussion came up.  Interesting because how or why it came up during Dexter is still a bone of contention, considering he was putting a 12 inch carving knife through the heart of a Saran wrapped victim.

Wouldn't it be cool to design a game that mixed the aerobic energy needed to burn some calories while at the same time, saving your soul?

"HA!!!  That would be friggin' cool," I said responding to my thirteen year old boy.

Truth be told, my son and myself did a whole lot more laughing than my beloved girlfriend did. Funny.  Some people take offense when conversation turns to video games religion.

So, goes like this.  We got to thinking how spiritually uplifting, cardio building and generally ass laughing fun it would it be to combine computer video game playing with religion.

Let me explain, starting with video games.

Bowling.  Everyone loves it, especially that geeky, pock face high school kid that constantly got beat up on the football field.  Now make it interactive. The Nintendo Wii has done just that.  You stand in front of the T.V., aim at ten pins down the lane then with a wildly retarded looking swing of your arm that holds the controller, thus magically sending your ball rolling down the screen, the lane, until the ball goes in the gutter. That's how I roll, baby! Okay, so not only have you got a mildly small workout, burning say, 22 calories, but you also wake the next morning with a severe case of bowling elbow, controller arthritis and laughter directed at you by your youngest son for being an old fart.

Now here is how the religion would meet gaming.

The tutorial starts out the game.  You enter the ROTC (Recruiting Offenders Training Center) where you learn to knock on doors trying to convert sinners, pedal your Schwinn, going from one tainted community to next, accepting free meals to keep your energy high, slinging pamphlets at interested soul searchers and, in case you might end up in Indonesia you learn another language.  These people would be on expert level, having already conquered and spread the word through all of Texas and Florida.

Before you leave the ROTC, you get to choose your religion.  You can be Jewish, Southern Babtist, Hindu, Catholic, Mormon or a Korean shaman.  But choose wisely because by picking the 'wrong' religion your, and depending on the faith you put your stock in, your energy, faith, belief  spiritual guidance points can deteriorate quicker.

Once you leave the ROTC you practice your skills in your new home that takes you away from your family, your friends and your girlfriend that is probably already moved on with the high school quarterback, which if you can withstand the humiliation of this and move on yourself you receive 'humble' points, thus bringing you closer to God.  Plus, you gain the inside knowledge that Karma is a bitch, and she'll be struck down by Lucifer with a nasty case of herpes.

Biking from place to place you would use the technologically advanced controller that supplied. Strapped to your legs, arms, your temples (Ha ha ha!) and a hand held one that would be used to swing the Bible or the Koran at rabid pitbulls.  This new technology would give you a realistic duplication of movement so precise that it's almost scary.  Ringing doorbells or running from an angry mob of atheists would be acted out just as you would in real life.  Even the handshake, if done properly, with the proper grip, you would convey strength, empathy, tolerance and love all in one firm meeting of the hands.  This is a perfect way to gain  points.

By entering the homes of unknowing converts, you now have the opportunity to show off your faith skills.  By getting them to sit through the first lesson, then the next and the next, you slowly build your way up the 'religious hierarchy' chain and closer to eternal bliss.

Paying your 10% tithing, though at the time decreases your monetary wealth, down the golden road to righteousness, gains you more and more paisley ties, giving you obedience points.

Don't be fooled though.  The 'evil' one, Satan, won't be beaten back so easily though.

Along your journeys you'll encounter temptation lurking behind every dark crevice.  There will be strangers offering you coffee when you enter their home, and while it will give you a temporary boost, in the long run, it will knock off deity points.  You will run across those crazy followers of Darwin and the Evolutionaries, the local rock band, with their chart topping hit 'Rockin' You with Science.'  

 Worst of all, the nasty tree huggin' Liberal.  When meeting up with these people, if you're strong enough at the time, your can dissuade these horrible people by claiming Obama, though not cowering in a school room full of six year olds,  was the reason for the war in Afghanistan.

Or if you can convince the leftist leaning Democrat pigs that the increasing debt incurred over the past eight years actually began after Bush left office, then a seat in heaven next to the Almighty will be yours.

So...if there are any video game designers out there, if, and when you make this idea come to life, I'd sure appreciate a little Hail Mary sent my way.  My cut would only be 10%

Can I get a big old amen brother?!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Mike Huckabee Must DIe!

NOTE - My ongoing 'Must Die' series is a massive success, drawing rave reviews from not only my readers, but critics, personalities and Judge Judy as well.  So...that being said, if you would like to contribute by giving me a person of interest, someone that 'Must Die', I would be happy to take suggestions.

Thank you to all my beloved fans, RWWells.


Huck huck, bo buck, banana fana fo fuck!!!  Mike Huckabee, you pompous ass, you must die!

First off, let me just say, Maurice Clemmons got what was coming to him.  Shot dead by a police officer, fearing that the suspected killer of four Lakewood, Washington police officers was going for his gun.  The police officer reacted viligantly, with purpose and without hesitation knowing that the man confronting him was indeed the man that with the utmost of cowardice, executed not only four innocent cops, but four innocent people.  This guy deserved to die.

But what irritatingly scratches at my craw is that Mike Huckabee, in the same breath that he was saying "If I could have known nine years ago this guy was capable of something of this magnitude, obviously I would never have granted a commutation" he was blaming the Pierce County court system for allowing Clemmons bond out on charges of 3rd degree assault, malicious mishchief and later, second degree child rape.

Again, I'm agreement, what with Clemmons criminal record, I believe the bastard shouldn't have had the chance to walk on a $150,000 bail.  The guy should be rotting in prison, slurping slurry soup and bunking up with Bubba, but they did let him walk and that will have to be looked into.

But the point is, after he was released from the Arkansas prison system, he continued committing heinous crimes until he found his way to the state of Washington.

Oh, but Maurice wasn't the only one with the long record, was he?  For instance, Mike during his ten plus years as governor of Arkansas, didn't just commute Clemmons, but...give me a moment...counting....sorry, long list....oops, gotta get a new battery for the calculator...okay...just one more second...YES!!!!  Final tally of commuted criminals...1,033!

1,033!  One thousand and thirty-three!  One more than a thousand and thirty-two yet one less than one thousand thirty-four, thank God!  By my estimation (and the quality research time my assistant put in) that is more pardons than the surrounding six states combined - Mississippi, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri and Texas.  To be fair though, Texas doesn't commute anyone, but instead electrocutes you for spitting on the sidewalk, so they don't count.

Not only that, Maurice Clemmons wasn't the only violent criminal to have his conviction commuted by the good governor that ultimately went on to re-offend.  In 1997, he helped in getting Wayne DuMond, a convicted rapist release and back on the streets so he could rape and kill another woman.

Mike you are a fuck wad, a scum sucking pig and a boil on my ass!  Please go away!  I'm sure there is a iron barred cell in hell with Maurice Clemmons awaiting your arrival.