Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Overtly Gay Chris

I'm a little grouchy right now. It's 4:13 AM and I'm wide awake, as is the cat, or what I presume to be a cat, bellowing  in a field across the way.  I presume it's in heat or it's been run down by the asshole in the two ton 4x4 that's been chasing up and down the block, blaring Toby Keith.

But this isn't why I'm wanting to take a three iron to the back window of the Escalade that is life.  Not overtly anyway.  Take a look at my distraction.



open; publicly.


That's my problem, the word overtly.  Just a simple, run of the mill word, that, while common, is also very complex apparently.  I can say that maybe a dozen times or so, in the real world, I've heard it used.  But recently in my life, this three syllable word is ingraining itself so deep into my skull that I apparently am dreaming about it.  Which in and of itself is pissing me off, because the only thing I like to dream of is my Zags winning the national championship one day, the Kool Aid Man crashing through the kitchen wall on a hot day, and Salma Hayek in a black teddy.

The word keeps popping up in unsuspecting fashions at work, by an individual (that I won't name) that has a degree from a respectable college here in Spokane (the college I won't name as well, to protect their reputation) in communications.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I love the word too.  What other word has that fantastic sound 'ert' in it?  Well, if you're a fan of medical procedure, as I am, you will know 'ert' is the sound a pig tailed catheter makes when being yanked out.  Cool huh?

Know what else is cool?  Urban Dictionary.  In my opinion, UB will in the near future replace Webster's as the most sought out reference guide when in need of looking up the meaning of a word.  Such words that haven't been used before, but should have a long time ago.  To this, I thank you George W. and whacked out of your mind Palin for bringing Urban Dictionary to the forefront of Englishismistic excellentism.

That being said, I wasn't exactly happy with the results for my Urban Dictionary search of the word 'overtly' but here are my findings anyway.


overtly gay- (nothing for overtly, without gay being attached like two butch dikes at a motorcycle rally)

A person who is homosexual beyond the standards of society.  Such person usually does things gay or"overtly" gay to earn him the title.  Someone who does something stupid earns the nickname too.


*Chris enters the room; everyone is whispering*

Overtly Gay Chris - Hey are you guys telling secrets? Oooh ooooh, my turn. okay, so when I was attending Whitworth College, during my freshman year, I ate a Saltine cracker out of the butt cheeks of my roomie.

The others who are telling secrets about Overtly Gay Chris - Eeeewwwwhhhhhh!  You're overtly gay.  Now run along and play elsewhere or were going to stuff you deep inside that cavernous porta-potty over there at that construction site.

Anyway, I understand that this is my problem.  The fact that my co-worker Chris over uses and, more times than not, uses this word incorrectly and out of context isn't my problem.  I don't feel it's my place to point it out to him, and I really shouldn't be losing sleep over this.

The expressions on the faces of his customers that he helps is good enough for me.  Kind of priceless, really, because there's nothing like seeing the look in these people eyes, knowing that they're thinking what I already know about him.

Which is this guy is overtly gay and if he keeps it up, someone's going to end up giving  him a porta-potty swirly.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

What The Dooce!@?

A few months back I started a new job, and for all intents and purposes, what I'm finding is that this is taking up way too much of my time.  My time is too valuable, they don't understand that, and I'm feeling that my talents aren't being appreciated.

<<<<<<For God sake, this is what has become of my artistic abilities and creative genius.

I find it quite sad and pathetic that I not only felt the need to snap this photo while ordering a doughy pretzel from a very confused looking Oriental lady, but that I was laughing hysterically while the poor non-speaking woman began to shake nervously.

Though, now each time I go purchase a pretzel delight from Mrs. Wong I give her a smirk, knowing exactly what she's thinking.

Now, this new job is probably a good thing.  After all, I have some bills that need paying to get those bastard bill collectors off my back.  They're relentless.  Take for instance, the last collector that called (or at least the last one I picked up the phone).  This is how that conversation went.

Me - Hello

Pakistani Bill Collector - Mr. Wells, you I'd like to give you the opportunity to catch up on...

Me - Me no speaky sorry...


Besides, what's the point, right?  We all know the world is going to be engulfed in a fiery hell due to BP having every body of water covered in thick, greasy oil by December 22, 2012 and their won't be any way to extinguish imminent armegeddon.  Either that or I'll be fighting off zombies, which is fine with me because zombies are a whole lot less scary than bill collectors.

Worst of all, my layoff from work produced a nasty glue sniffing habit where I was no longer able to afford the good stuff, like cyanoacrylates.  I was beginning to turn to Elmer's, and we all know the only good thing that Elmer's glue is good for is making those tiny glue boogers and flicking them at the pig tailed girl with birth control glasses sitting in front of you in Art class.

Alright, that's a joke.  I don't really have a glue sniffing habit, but it is true about the glue booger thing.

The problem is it's taking me away from what I like to do.  My writing.  At a time when I was not only consistent with my blog (consistently bad, but consistent none the less), but other projects in progress as well, I had to go and find a job after a successful five months of being unemployment. I have to say I don't know what all these Republicans that are bitching about.  Tells me that they haven't experienced rolling out of bed no earlier than 10:00 AM and eaten Capt. Crunch Berries out of the same bowl four days in a row.  Those schmucks need to lighten up and look at things a little more positively.

Anyway, my other projects that are being jeopardized are the fictional account of the son of Scottish immigrants who, subsequently commit a mutually agreed upon murder-suicide.  This in turn, forces young Dylan to find out not only about responsibility, perseverance and humility on his own, but the burden of taking over the family business, that being the discovering of an environmentally friendly haggis loaf.

And second, my memoir.  Yup, I said it.  A memoir, based on mostly why I'm so fucked up.  Nothing you will want to read, but a form a therapy that's a whole lot cheaper than laying on the faux leather sofa belonging to a scholarly type in a worn, beige corduroy blazer charging $100 an hour.

It's the blog that keeps me sharp, in order to continue with my other projects.  So...when I'm not updating Scuzzymoney, it seems I'm a slug on the couch watching the The Real Housewives of Tuscaloosa or wherever those sluts are coming from this season.

Of course, I have an idea.  It came about while reading about a Heather Armstrong, author of  Heather was fired her for making small talk or jabs or what have you at her boss, on her blog, because he was groping her in an improper manner.  Which was a problem because not only was he blind and has no olfactory senses (don't dis the disabled on your blog) but also when he grabbed on her junk he really believed he was grabbing on 'his' junk.

Of course, since then there have been several other cases such as Dan Leone, a former employee of the Philadelphia Eagles.  Dan got upset over the fact that one of his favorite players signed with another team.  So Dan posted this to Facebook.

Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver ... Dam Eagles R Retarted!!

I assume the [expletive] that Dan was mentioning was [Hey, who stole my [expletive] Cheese Steak?].  Anyway, shortly after this horrific posting by Dan, he was fired.  Though this didn't deter Dan.  He found a new job looking over the Liberty Bell, watching out for defects, scratches and cracks.

Now, back to my idea.  If the narrow minded [expletive] wont give me the [expletive] respect and [expletive] time to pursue my [expletive] dream than they can all go [expletive] themselves!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The only reason Ann Coulter deserves a reprieve....

Browsing and bored and mostly because I find this so damn'd funny!

Makes you want to run out and get your very own spawn of satan, huh?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Pamela Gorman - gun packin', tea baggin', bunny killin', crazy ass whack job!

I was reminded of Quentin Tarantino recently.

I'm a fan, and maybe one of the most cutting edge directors of our times.  'Pulp Fiction' is probably my favorite of all time, not just Tarantinos films, but of all films.  So many great scenes and a completely perfectly laid out plot line.

Plus...Uma.  Here, let me just show you.

Need I say more?

Not enough praise can be doused on this first attempt at commercial movie making, that being 'Reservoir Dogs'.  Steve Buschemi as Mr. Pink and his speech on why he doesn't 'tip' was classic and should have been the first Oscar associated with a Quentin Tarantino film.

Ah and the fourty-seven total and combined minutes of 'Kill Bill 1and 2' were worthy of my complete attention (the other three days of film footage could have been trimmed down).  Of course, it's best that Q left the Uma parts edited in.

Again...take a looksy, just to your left.  Don't know about you, but I can't get enough.

But let's not forget his most recent, 'Inglourious Basterds'.  Wins an Oscar for Best Pic and reinforces that only Tarantino could make a WWII flick that's thought provoking and funny while wanting to make you want to upchuck the popcorn sitting in your lap.  Take scene where Brad Pitts character Lt. Aldo Raine is giving Sgt. Werner Rachtman of Nazi forces two choices...give up the location of his fellow German troops or meet the Bear Jew, a club carrying, Nazi skull bashing member of the Basterds.  Great stuff. By far his best since 'Pulp Fiction'.

Love QT.

But the guy doesn't always make a great movie.  Take his Grindhouse films, 'Planet Terror' and 'Death Proof'.  Entertaining, but hardly for the weak of stomach nor most of half the Earths population.  You definitely had to be a fan to appreciate.

But, my opinion is that his most average film and the reason I was reminded of Quentin Tarantino, is  'Jackie Brown'.  Got a lot of attention at the time, but it did follow 'Pulp Fiction', so there was quite a bit of anticipation.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I really liked this film.  It was based on a novel of a favorite author of mine, Elmore Leonard.  It moved along quickly, had violence, humor, Bridget Fonda looking as hippie as a Fonda can, and once again Q reinvented another lost actor, actually two, that being Robert Forster and Pam Grier.  But, to the rest of the world it didn't stack up as great, just average.

Okay, so recently I was skipping news channels during the most partisan part of the day, and ran across a television ad for a congressional candidate from Arizona that I couldn't get enough of.  Made me laugh til I almost shat myself, but more importantly, I had to dig through my DVD's to find my copy of 'Jackie Brown' because the similarities were eerily similar between cinematic fiction and political fiction.

Remember the scene where Ordell Robbie (Samuel Jackson), a gun runner high on the take down list of the ATF, is showing his former cellmate and all around dim witted criminal buddy Louie Gara (Robert De Niro) an ad for fully automatic guns.  The 'ratatatatatata tat' sound of the gun fire was nearly as cool as the bikini clad ladies shooting em off.   These beauties, every time they squeezed off a clip - ratatatatatatat tat! - they would jiggle and shake, little beads of sexy sweat dripping from their flaming muzzles.

Woooooo boy!

And just like Pamela Gorman, but....well not really.  I mean really, I did think of those bouncing NRA card carrying sluts but truly, the only thing jiggling on Pam is her mouth.

For God sake!  Is it an commercial ad for candidate Pamela Gorman blasting away at (imaginary?) Jihadists that are nonchalantly walking across the border and using her own personal swimming pool for a refreshing dip while collecting their evil thoughts?!  Or possibly Pamela's blasting a bunny nibbling on her lettuce garden?  Just imagine if Thumper goes all rabid and starts having terrorist ideas of blowing up some dry patch of cactus and putting anthrax in the water supply.  Who would you want there by your side taking down these heathen furry scumbag terrorists?

Pam 'Rambo' Gorman, that's who.

What a woman!  Just the kind of representative I'd want making law for me if I were an Arizonian.

Just think.  If Quentin had accepted her audition tape for the part as automatic weapon carrying, stipped to her A cups, Arizona may not have this November to look forward to laugh her right back to her vegetable garden.

'ratatatatatatata tat'