Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Not really a blog post per se, but I just wanted to inform you all that I've recently been dickering with my blog.  I changed the template, background and colors of my blog, because I've been feeling lately that I need to grow some, maybe mature a little and then...  Actually, truth is, my eyes are going to shit and I'm having a hard time differentiating text, contrasts, Bubbleicious from Hubba Bubba and the damn'd background color was too dark and moody, in turn giving me a throbbing migraine.

Now with that out of the way, I'll try moving forward with the zeal, zest, immoral and hopefully, highly offensive content that is SCUZZYMONEY, just a whole lot more legible.

Oh, one other thing.  I was going through my unpublished posts and ran across this....

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As a small child, being of delusional mind, hieroglyphic bowel movements and the sanctimonious burden I carried, I moved across the sweeping expanse of self-involvement and sheer ineptitude.

I was a lost soul.

It took me finally growing bleary eyed, and tortured by both rabid squirrels and Tabernacle re-mixes of You Got What I Need by Biz Markie, and not even peanut butter and celery sticks sculptures, creating the most abstract and disturbing image, not of the Virgin Mary, but of Donald Trumps rug, could I find my meaning.

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 If anyone can please explain what the fuck I was on while writing this it'd be much appreciated.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The World Cup Sucks and Blows!

The World Cup sucks!  And I know how to fix it.  Hear me out and thank me later, preferably in small bills, maybe $20's and $50's.

First off, it's irritating and not for the normal reasons, namely, that it's an international soccer tournament, and...really, need I say more?  Okay, for those not following the little bouncing ball, maybe me spelling it out will help.

S O C C E R !


Then we have the U, but looks like an O...

In Chile, one of most fanatical followers of soccer, the C actually looks a double C to those crazy Latin Americans...

Followed by the K and S, which to the rest of the world appears to be an E and a giant R...

Then ending with a big fat !, or if you like, several !!!'s...

Spelling out SUCKS!!!

Oh, and don't go getting all high and mighty and start throwing the bullshit argument at me that soccer is the most popular sport around the world, that more people  participate, view and play 'soccer' then any other physical activity including sex.  Using this line of thinking and under those guidelines, the way I have it figured is that, up till the turn of the 20th century,  the abacus was the preferred tool for doing one's taxes.  See, doesn't make sense, huh?

Then, take viewership.  Who's watching?  I'll tell you who.  People in parts of world that don't have access to internet porn, or Tupperware, or even two acres of nasty ragweed to mow down.  Because if they did, why in the FUCK would they be watching soccer?  Holy shit people, soccer sucks!

Okay, okay...it doesn't suck completely.  I've said it before, but only to my closest of friends before now, soccer is a great kids sport.  Think of all the youngsters running around getting much needed rest and relaxation away from their Xbox's.  It's keeping our kids free from blocked arteries and giving us hysterical footage of amateur videographer's taking nardy shots while taping on the sideline.  This is what YouTube was created for, afterall.

Which leads me to the real reason soccer sucks....

The lack of scoring and incessantly boring ties!  Have you watched any of this World Cup?  A large percentage of the games end in ties, some of them ending in no score what-so-ever!  The experts are saying the teams are being conservative to get the one point that comes with a tie rather than the forced naked donkey kick and big pink L that's slapped on your forehead of the losers.  What???  How is this fun, for anyone?  A bunch of so called athletes running around, kicking the ball back and forth, one guy screaming to another "Hey Bob, kick it to me....over here...Bob?   Damn it, Bob, would you share the ball?  I promise I'll kick it right back!"

And on, and on, and on....

Could you imagine spending half a paycheck to get into one of these games, in anticipation of rioting after the game if your team won, and especially if it lost, to find out that in the end, the game just ends...in a tie?


Which leads to the other reason it sucks...er....more appropriately....blows.

Vuvuzela's. The vuvuzela is a large, phallic shaped horn, that tens of rabid fans in the stands blow non-stop through out the games.  The original intention was to blow 'em off in celebration of score, or when a fantastic show of defense from a goalie prevents the go ahead score...but, since none of these things happen in soccer, the vuvuzela wielding idiots in the stands constantly blow them for three continuous hours...just because. 

At least the Irish have found a way of converting theirs to beer bongs so they can continue drinking while blowing!

But I have the solution to de-sucking soccer.

Here goes.  At the end of the game, when the score is all locked up (hell, the way I think the game should be played, we'll just start all the games at the end since we all know they'll end up tied anyway), each team will get five balls, lined up, but not at the goalie in a traditional penalty shot manner, but instead at the stands.  Now pay attention, because this is where it almost becomes a bearable reason to watch soccer.  Once the balls are lined up, the teams will take turns kicking the balls, at the fans.  More specifically, the fans that won't stop blowing those god damn horns.  After the five balls are punched into the crowd, the team with the most vuvuzela's violently lodge into the throats of said 'fans' wins the game.

Whoo hoo, now that's a game I'd watch!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The NEW Golden Rule

My buddy Jim, Jimmy, James or that Vietnamese guy that is trying to figure out a way to break into the porn industry, came to me with an idea. Or better yet a rule. A rule, for life. It made a whole lot of sense to me, probably more than it should but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will indeed make sense to the rest of you as well. And if not, I suspect you haven’t spent enough time stewing over the ignorance and fatness of Glenn Beck.

The NEW Golden Rule

Yep, you understood me correctly.  We, as human beings, should be able to kill one person in our lives.

Alright, I know what you’re saying. “Holy crap, Ron. Under The New Golden Rule we get to shiv, shoot, run down with our ‘63 Chevy pick-ups, electrocute, decapitate, push off an extremely high cliff, or pack only one person tightly into a running wood chipper?“

And to that I respond, hey, let’s not be greedy with are distaste, distrust and pure yet evil hatred for much of the human race, even if they are complete idiots most of the time and couldn’t find there own balls if they were force fed to them by that crazy Hell’s Kitchen guy.

But, before you fly off the handle and call your local authorities, reporting me as a domestic terrorist or a modern day Attila the Hun, let me explain. Works like this.  You get one kill, one hit, one chance, one opportunity to take out someone that you think needs to be exterminated, so…and this is a big so, you better choose wisely.

Now, if you know me at all, or have followed my Facebook rantings, and especially if you’ve read my blog on more than one occasion than you know that are some people I take considerable offense to. I’ve already mentioned Glenn Beck. Good choice but the comedy that ensues every time he opens his fat mouth would need to be replaced if one were to stuff him with an apple and rotisserie him, and I for one, don’t know if I could take the break in training period of another over sized, hypocritical, self-indulgent asshole that is on the top rung of the douche-ness hierarchy.

There are several others such as Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan, just for the simple fact that they are often considered to be a part of a human race, and frankly, I beg to differ.

Then let’s not forget the Evil Narcissistic Triplets and Crusaders For the FOX Network and All Things Despicable; oh and off spring of Satan...that being Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Karl Rove. These three should die, but they won’t be on my list. I figure Karma will kill them first, either an overdose of Oxycontin, a Dick Cheney shotgun blast to the face accident or the inevitable alien that is going to bursts from the innards of Miss Coulter.  Something will do away with these crusaders before I have to consider it as my one 'offing'.

No, this group of people are too obvious and I’d feel like my ‘one’ take down would be wasted.

So...let's consider who might be on my list if The New Golden Rule goes into affect.

How about this gem?  The 'smoking baby'.  He's been known to throw tantrums when he doesn't get his two packs a day.  HA, HA, HA...HOLY SHIT, HA!!! You should see the YouTube video where he comes down off heroin, watching Ewing Mcgregor crawling on the ceiling, his head wildly spinning 360's.  What a hoot! This father, who started the pudgy little box of emphysema on cigarettes is a great candidate.   

METHOD OF DEATH - A pack of unfiltered M-80's shoved up daddy's ass and lit with the hot end of a Camel Red.  Woooot woooot!

Oh, if you haven't heard, BP is in the news.  Yes, of course because of the giant oil slick in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, wreaking havoc on the environment and more than likely the wallets of every American in need of getting to work, but for something more offensive and worthy of a horrific death.  That being that BP gave Jimmy Fallon a reason to be funny, and as we all know, Jimmy Fallon is not funny.

Here, take a gander.

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That’s like someone running over your dog and saying, ‘Don’t worry, my car is fine.’
Jimmy Fallon

Now see, this is humorous and catastrophic, all at the same time.  We can't have Jimmy Fallon being all funny and stuff, so this is why the executives of BP need to die, long, slow, deaths.

METHOD  OF DEATH - We could take one of those large oil drills they use out in the gulf, slick it up real good and tap their ass's, hoping everything is up to regulation, and praying there is no explosion.  Oh, and don't worry boys, I know just where to find plenty of lubricant.

See, this is fun, huh?  And reasonable. After all, we all know there are plenty of people that deserve a strategically planned out and completely deserved death.  Who would yours be?  Would it be someone that cut you off in traffic, slept with your boyfriend...or would you save that one good 'offing' for someone more in need of leaving the planet such as pill popping actress or an evil, toe tapping under the stall of an airport bathroom stall politician?

 Oh, one last thing.  If you're at all offended by this latest blog, this idea for a new rule that may seem to involve much violence, blood shed and general desecration of humanity, one idiot at a time, please  remember, this was the idea of my good buddy, Jim (aka - Jimmy Hung).