Monday, August 31, 2009

The World Is A Better Place!!!

I took some time away from my blog, a kind of hiatus. It was not necessarily forced on me, but because of my incompetence and mostly, but, not absolute ignorance of computers, it's been a while.

For a period, I lost my blog. It vanished into thin air, went dark, vamoosed into oblivion. When I would go to the site,, it was there but not there. Just black, and not just black, but a spooky black. with a greenish hue to it, kind of like a bad Paris Hilton porn. This was only on my laptop though. Others could see on their computers but I could not.

To this day, I don't know where the hell it went but it did go and has since returned. So have I.

That being said, I have some catching up to do. Let's get started.

We have a new President.

"Woo hoo, thank the good lord, praise all that is gracious and great, and man o' man, it has been a way to long in coming!!!" Okay, now that I got my personal opinion off my chest, I promise you'll never hear an outburst like that from me ever again. Ya, sure, and if you believe that, well I don't want to belittle my audience so I'll just tell you that, yes, I was lying and there will plenty of my opinions expressed if you choose to continue reading.

And my boy Barack is badass!!! Just check this out.

So, anyway, we have a new president and this means we no longer have W to blame for the troubles that might take place around our great country or over seas for that matter, since January 20th 2009, but, well dang it if it isn't more fun. After all, George is a great target. Let's delve into this. Ted Kennedy passed away recently and Daddy was the only living president, past or present, who didn't bother attending the services and the reason given was that Jr. was representing the Bush family. Really? I mean really? Truth be told, Senior was overheard by Secret Service telling a fishing buddy, "That kid embarrasses me to no end. I just know the lil shit is gonna choke on a shrimp and one them Kennedy's will huck their loafer at him!"

Another piece of news pertaining to our past administration happened two days after the inauguration of Barack Obama. On said day our new president signed an order to close Guantanemo Bay within the year, with much GOP disdain. The next day, former VP Dick Cheney suspiciously 'accidentally' shots his daughters girlfriend with buckshot while they lounge in his hot tub at his Wyoming estate. Cheney claims it was an accident, that "The gun just went off while I was cleaning it. She shouldn't have been reachin' for that floaty while I had a loaded shotgun min my hand. Damn fool!"

On to the entertainment world.

Farrah Fawcett died. On the day of her funeral, Kanye West jumped up to the pulpit, grabbed the mic from Ryan O'Neil and proclaimed, "She's was a pretty good death, and Imma let you finish...but Michaels has to be one of the greatest deaths of all time!"

Which leads me to...the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, died as well.

Okay, I could go on with the normal jokes about Michael Jackson but that wouldn't be nice. A lot of people, for months and years to come will be making their snide and outright rude jokes about him without me jumping into the mix.

They will talk about his detachable nose, bleached skin and his flaming hair (which just proved that Pepsi can't be trusted with many hair products).

Some will go on about Mr. Jackson's arranged marriage to Lisa Marie, presumably to snatch up the Elvis catalogue so he could finish his 'extremely expensive music collection fort' in the middle of Neverland, next to the Elephant Man bones.

Or these mean people might continue to relive the strange way he dangled his kids from balconies, giggling, and saying, "Look, they have Spider Man powers!"

Then, as cruel as people are, I'm sure these folks will continue accusations of him loving on, and sharing his can of Jesus Juice with Webster, McCauley and his monkey Bubbles.

But I'm above all that posthumous cruelty so I'll just leave it at RIP Michael, we'll not soon forget you and the way you can molest yourself on stage and call it a dance move!

On a personal note, I am now unemployed.

On the most obvious level, it sucks because, I, like everyone else, have bills to pay, have family to care for, medical needs and what not but most of all who the hell am I going to make fun of now that I don't have my boss, The Chest to heave aspersions at? (By the way, The Chest is not what you're thinking people! FREEZER! Chest freezer! Geez, get you're minds outta the gutter, you pervs!)

Now, while I am most definitely worrying about this road bump in my life, I am looking at it as an opportunity. A chance to do something different, more satisfying and in the meantime, not have to spend fifty-five hours a week at a place I despise, detest and abhor each time I walk in the front door and type in my password (7399).

So, because I have made the decision to look at this as positive, I have now decided to dig ditches or become CEO of Victoria's Secret or possibly start my own colony of Nike wearing, alien worshiping, Kool Aid drinking, pot smoking vagabonds. Either way, or whatever, and no matter what, I damn well know things are takin' a turn for best and this world is certainly a better place!

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