Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The NEW Golden Rule

My buddy Jim, Jimmy, James or that Vietnamese guy that is trying to figure out a way to break into the porn industry, came to me with an idea. Or better yet a rule. A rule, for life. It made a whole lot of sense to me, probably more than it should but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will indeed make sense to the rest of you as well. And if not, I suspect you haven’t spent enough time stewing over the ignorance and fatness of Glenn Beck.

The NEW Golden Rule

Yep, you understood me correctly.  We, as human beings, should be able to kill one person in our lives.

Alright, I know what you’re saying. “Holy crap, Ron. Under The New Golden Rule we get to shiv, shoot, run down with our ‘63 Chevy pick-ups, electrocute, decapitate, push off an extremely high cliff, or pack only one person tightly into a running wood chipper?“

And to that I respond, hey, let’s not be greedy with are distaste, distrust and pure yet evil hatred for much of the human race, even if they are complete idiots most of the time and couldn’t find there own balls if they were force fed to them by that crazy Hell’s Kitchen guy.

But, before you fly off the handle and call your local authorities, reporting me as a domestic terrorist or a modern day Attila the Hun, let me explain. Works like this.  You get one kill, one hit, one chance, one opportunity to take out someone that you think needs to be exterminated, so…and this is a big so, you better choose wisely.

Now, if you know me at all, or have followed my Facebook rantings, and especially if you’ve read my blog on more than one occasion than you know that are some people I take considerable offense to. I’ve already mentioned Glenn Beck. Good choice but the comedy that ensues every time he opens his fat mouth would need to be replaced if one were to stuff him with an apple and rotisserie him, and I for one, don’t know if I could take the break in training period of another over sized, hypocritical, self-indulgent asshole that is on the top rung of the douche-ness hierarchy.

There are several others such as Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan, just for the simple fact that they are often considered to be a part of a human race, and frankly, I beg to differ.

Then let’s not forget the Evil Narcissistic Triplets and Crusaders For the FOX Network and All Things Despicable; oh and off spring of Satan...that being Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Karl Rove. These three should die, but they won’t be on my list. I figure Karma will kill them first, either an overdose of Oxycontin, a Dick Cheney shotgun blast to the face accident or the inevitable alien that is going to bursts from the innards of Miss Coulter.  Something will do away with these crusaders before I have to consider it as my one 'offing'.

No, this group of people are too obvious and I’d feel like my ‘one’ take down would be wasted.

So...let's consider who might be on my list if The New Golden Rule goes into affect.

How about this gem?  The 'smoking baby'.  He's been known to throw tantrums when he doesn't get his two packs a day.  HA, HA, HA...HOLY SHIT, HA!!! You should see the YouTube video where he comes down off heroin, watching Ewing Mcgregor crawling on the ceiling, his head wildly spinning 360's.  What a hoot! This father, who started the pudgy little box of emphysema on cigarettes is a great candidate.   

METHOD OF DEATH - A pack of unfiltered M-80's shoved up daddy's ass and lit with the hot end of a Camel Red.  Woooot woooot!

Oh, if you haven't heard, BP is in the news.  Yes, of course because of the giant oil slick in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, wreaking havoc on the environment and more than likely the wallets of every American in need of getting to work, but for something more offensive and worthy of a horrific death.  That being that BP gave Jimmy Fallon a reason to be funny, and as we all know, Jimmy Fallon is not funny.

Here, take a gander.

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That’s like someone running over your dog and saying, ‘Don’t worry, my car is fine.’
Jimmy Fallon

Now see, this is humorous and catastrophic, all at the same time.  We can't have Jimmy Fallon being all funny and stuff, so this is why the executives of BP need to die, long, slow, deaths.

METHOD  OF DEATH - We could take one of those large oil drills they use out in the gulf, slick it up real good and tap their ass's, hoping everything is up to regulation, and praying there is no explosion.  Oh, and don't worry boys, I know just where to find plenty of lubricant.

See, this is fun, huh?  And reasonable. After all, we all know there are plenty of people that deserve a strategically planned out and completely deserved death.  Who would yours be?  Would it be someone that cut you off in traffic, slept with your boyfriend...or would you save that one good 'offing' for someone more in need of leaving the planet such as pill popping actress or an evil, toe tapping under the stall of an airport bathroom stall politician?

 Oh, one last thing.  If you're at all offended by this latest blog, this idea for a new rule that may seem to involve much violence, blood shed and general desecration of humanity, one idiot at a time, please  remember, this was the idea of my good buddy, Jim (aka - Jimmy Hung).


  1. Anybody who hates Glenn Beck... is a friend of mine. Like Bugs Bunny would say: "What a maroon, what an ignoraaamous!" Beck is a douchbag.

    Thanks for allowing me to discover your blog, I think I've found a new home...

  2. Miss Nikki...so glad that there's not just myself and several other million people out there that know that Beck is royal douchebag.

    Thanks for following...and as well, love your blog. Oh...and your always welcome...mi casa, su casa.