Sunday, June 20, 2010

The World Cup Sucks and Blows!

The World Cup sucks!  And I know how to fix it.  Hear me out and thank me later, preferably in small bills, maybe $20's and $50's.

First off, it's irritating and not for the normal reasons, namely, that it's an international soccer tournament, and...really, need I say more?  Okay, for those not following the little bouncing ball, maybe me spelling it out will help.

S O C C E R !


Then we have the U, but looks like an O...

In Chile, one of most fanatical followers of soccer, the C actually looks a double C to those crazy Latin Americans...

Followed by the K and S, which to the rest of the world appears to be an E and a giant R...

Then ending with a big fat !, or if you like, several !!!'s...

Spelling out SUCKS!!!

Oh, and don't go getting all high and mighty and start throwing the bullshit argument at me that soccer is the most popular sport around the world, that more people  participate, view and play 'soccer' then any other physical activity including sex.  Using this line of thinking and under those guidelines, the way I have it figured is that, up till the turn of the 20th century,  the abacus was the preferred tool for doing one's taxes.  See, doesn't make sense, huh?

Then, take viewership.  Who's watching?  I'll tell you who.  People in parts of world that don't have access to internet porn, or Tupperware, or even two acres of nasty ragweed to mow down.  Because if they did, why in the FUCK would they be watching soccer?  Holy shit people, soccer sucks!

Okay, doesn't suck completely.  I've said it before, but only to my closest of friends before now, soccer is a great kids sport.  Think of all the youngsters running around getting much needed rest and relaxation away from their Xbox's.  It's keeping our kids free from blocked arteries and giving us hysterical footage of amateur videographer's taking nardy shots while taping on the sideline.  This is what YouTube was created for, afterall.

Which leads me to the real reason soccer sucks....

The lack of scoring and incessantly boring ties!  Have you watched any of this World Cup?  A large percentage of the games end in ties, some of them ending in no score what-so-ever!  The experts are saying the teams are being conservative to get the one point that comes with a tie rather than the forced naked donkey kick and big pink L that's slapped on your forehead of the losers.  What???  How is this fun, for anyone?  A bunch of so called athletes running around, kicking the ball back and forth, one guy screaming to another "Hey Bob, kick it to me....over here...Bob?   Damn it, Bob, would you share the ball?  I promise I'll kick it right back!"

And on, and on, and on....

Could you imagine spending half a paycheck to get into one of these games, in anticipation of rioting after the game if your team won, and especially if it lost, to find out that in the end, the game just a tie?


Which leads to the other reason it appropriately....blows.

Vuvuzela's. The vuvuzela is a large, phallic shaped horn, that tens of rabid fans in the stands blow non-stop through out the games.  The original intention was to blow 'em off in celebration of score, or when a fantastic show of defense from a goalie prevents the go ahead score...but, since none of these things happen in soccer, the vuvuzela wielding idiots in the stands constantly blow them for three continuous hours...just because. 

At least the Irish have found a way of converting theirs to beer bongs so they can continue drinking while blowing!

But I have the solution to de-sucking soccer.

Here goes.  At the end of the game, when the score is all locked up (hell, the way I think the game should be played, we'll just start all the games at the end since we all know they'll end up tied anyway), each team will get five balls, lined up, but not at the goalie in a traditional penalty shot manner, but instead at the stands.  Now pay attention, because this is where it almost becomes a bearable reason to watch soccer.  Once the balls are lined up, the teams will take turns kicking the balls, at the fans.  More specifically, the fans that won't stop blowing those god damn horns.  After the five balls are punched into the crowd, the team with the most vuvuzela's violently lodge into the throats of said 'fans' wins the game.

Whoo hoo, now that's a game I'd watch!

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