Sunday, November 16, 2008

Guilty Primates

I found a gorilla suit recently, the day after Halloween actually. It was dangling outside of the cardboard recycling dumpster out back of my work. At the time I saw the arm of the this fake primate hanging out I worried that, perhaps, just maybe there might have been an actual person inside the suit, maybe passed out drunk or seriously wounded. I cautiously opened the top of the dumpster, and sure enough, staring at me was the face of a mean looking gorilla, all fangs and nappy fur. So I did what any sane, concerned and cautious person would do. I found a rotted, three foot, 2x4 laying in the alley and stepped back toward the dumpster, took a deep breath and proceeded to beat the wholly living shit out it, first in the torso, then when I got no reaction, I began banging it over the head as hard as I could.

Still nothing.

So, then, I did the second thing that any person in my situation would do. I pulled it out of the recycling bin and threw it in the back of my Jeep.

But after several days of this ugly, hairy beast, staring back at me through my rear view mirror, it's large claw hanging over the back seat, it got me to thinking. Why would this suit be just tossed aside like an ugly stepchild? Thrown away like last months left over Chinese take-out? Hidden away in a back alley trash can as if it...

Then it came to me! This monkey suit must have committed some heinous crime against society like only a monkey suit could. Made sense. No one, in there right mind throws away a perfectly good costume that probably cost a Brinks truckload of cash. But what kind of crime? I'm no CSI, but with closer inspection I detected no blood spatter, no gun powder residue, and no stab wounds. Not even DNA under the finger nails to suggest a struggle ever took place. Nothing evident that should make me suspicious, but I wasn't convinced.

At this time I started checking the local paper looking for some sort of clue that this gorilla should be deported back to the Congo. This went on for several days but nothing to implicate this mangy beast in any crime turned up, but other interesting things did. I've known this for a long time, but my research turned up other tidbits of fact that I might have known in the past but had forgotten.

I found proof that people truly are idiots.

For instance, Scott Bennett, 48, from Sioux City, Iowa not only lost an eye in a barfight in July at his local watering hole, but several months later he decided to go back, get in another fight where he ended up losing his other eye. Hey Scott!!! Yooo hooo...we only have two eyes and they're our primary source of vision. Dumbass!

Then there were the two 18 yr old idiots from Salina, Kansas, that panicked when police showed up at there trailer park (need I continue) and instead of flushing their drugs down the toilet or hiding it in that ceiling vent that all trailers have, they decided to toss them out the window. Cops saw this and arrested them. Ha ha!!! Thing is the authorities were there to serve a warrant on the neighbors in the tornado target next door.

But, my favorite is this story, but not necessarily because he's the biggest idiot that exists, although he would be a close runner-up, but because what he did was so cool (don't try this at home, kids). Michael Mills of Chesapeake, Virginy, decided rather than be caught by the cops on whatever charges (doesn't matter really), he would try at all cost to evade them. So, in his speeding car, when he approached a drawbridge that was lowering, but needless to say, was not all the way down, he decided to try to jump from one side of the bridge to the other. Michael didn't make it, but dang if he wasn't heard giving a good ole Bo and Luke Duke holler as he reached the pinnacle of his stunt, before, plunging into the river. He survived but can you imagine the story he'll have to tell while he's awaiting trial in county lock-up?

So maybe, just maybe, I'm over analyzing what might have gone on that Halloween, what my fake monkey might have done. Probably didn't rape, pillage, plunder or terrorize a village of natives, and by God, if he did, he surly didn't caught, but if anyone asks me, he did all that, and then some.

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