Monday, November 24, 2008

Pizza Delivery Guy

I was having a smoke on the back porch the other day, minding my own business, when a sort of epiphany came to me.
Two actually.

First off, I am bored. A comatose type of boredom. Work is boring the snot out of me. I barely have an ounce of social life to speak of, and recently I'm finding that Joe Camel is becoming my best friend. This is the kind of boredom that make you think and do things that you might not normally think. The kind of boredom that isn't coralled by just sitting in front of the television and subconsciously flipping from station to station and chowing on a whole bag of Buffalo flavored Doritos, until sleep deprivation takes over.

Secondly, probably because I'm bored but, I was thinking I should do something different with my life, professionally that is and the it struck me that I want to be a pizza delivery person!
Sounds weird right but bare with me. I don't want to be a delivery guy for the obvious reasons like the countless hours driving around in the dark looking for addresses on houses that have burnt out front porch lights, or the great money, or the expense of paying huge gas prices on a vehicle that gets 12mpg. Not even for the fringe benefit of a free meal each self-satisfying night on the job.

Nope. None of those more than rewarding reasons have anything to do with it.

No, the reason I want to be a pizza delivery guy is I am sure I would be that would be that one delivery dude that would get all the hot chicks.

You can see it, right?-------------------------------------------->
You might wonder why a man of my age, would be saying such things and you probably are saying that I'm being absurd, but...this is my blog and this is my story so if you don't like it, well...keep reading, 'cause it gets better.

I wouldn't only be a pizza delivery guy that gets all the horny women that show at the front door wearing pink nighties and sexy Santa teddies, although that all sounds nice but my story is a whole lot better than that.

I would be the pizza delivery guy from...Penthouse Forum. Yep, the guy you always see in the movies and you comment that never happens in real life, but damn, you sure would enjoy it if it did. The kind of job that could only be made up in the insides of smut mag.
I figure I would show up at the front door and there would be the local college cheerleading squad having a slumber party, wearing only panties and watching slasher flicks. I would stroll on in, cool as ice, three of them would hop up off their sleeping bags, run over to me, giggling and would offer up a joint. After a few minutes I would be as high as they were. The large breasted, head cheerleader would grab me by my hand, leading me toward the couch where the other two had stripped down to their birthday suits and they would start yanking at my belt, pulling my....

Then the other scenario involving the horny MILFS (two of them) drinking a brilliantly dark red wine, one recently divorced, the other consoling her. I would drop the box on the kitchen counter, turn to leave when I would notice the divorcee would have big puppy dog tears rolling down the cheek of the divorcee and I'd ask "Why the long face, sweetheart?" She would slip up real close, shove a twenty in my front pocket, and say "Hey big boy, that's not what appears to be long..."
Good Lord, I really must be bored. Where the hell is the Doritos and remote control?


  1. I saw that movie! Yeah, you need to get out some, lol.

  2. LOL! Hilarious, has E read this post? I can just hear her laughing her a** off. I agree with Robot Nine, you have to get out more! It's time for an intervention.

    O, and I would like a thin crust large pizza with extra pineapple.