Friday, October 1, 2010

Mad Max going all Braveheart on ye arse and other Scot talk.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?
                                                                                       Mark 'Rent-boy' Renton


No mas, no mas!  That's what I found crazy Mrs. Sphincter (can't remember her name, but damn the woman needed to relax a bit) screaming while going toe to toe with Sugar Ray Leonard signing off of my passing (barely) grade.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  Her sitting at her desk, sobbing uncontrollably, making me sign a contract guaranteeing I wouldn't retake her class, nor would I wander anywhere near her part of the school. In return, she'd give me a D.

Picture that sat on Ms. Sphincters desk
I tried.  I really did.  But I just didn't get it.  From where I sat, in the back row, I didn't understand at the time why I needed to learn another language.  Why?  Well, let me break it down for you.  Topping the list was that I would have rather been sitting in my '76 Vega in the parking lot of Dick's Hamburgers, washing a Whammy down with Jack Daniels during fourth period.  Secondly, it was a lot of studying, and I really wasn't interested in learning how to order a meal in Spanish.  After all, the Taco Bell menu is pretty self explanatory.  And lastly, I live in Spokane.  In some circles, were called Spokompton, but let me tell you, there is nothing gangsta about where I grew up.  I didn't meet a Mexican until I'd traveled to Yakima one weekend and had to ask directions to the nearest Taco Bell (see?) from a family of apple pickers.

Alright, that's a lie but truth is, Spokane hardly has a problem with illegals flooding across the border, beings we're a mere 70 miles from the Canadian border, where they only talk in hockey jibberish washed down with Kokanee, so unless you follow hockey, you won't know what the fuck those whacky, toothless bastards are slurring on about.

So, I didn't feel the need to learn a 2nd language.

Now I do.  I'm not going back to school, nor am I going to listen to a monotonous voice drone on through my headphones the proper way to conjugate a taco (again, Taco Bell people!) or whatever senor narrator might be saying. (How the fuck do you make those little squirrelly things over letters?  Another reason I wouldn't make a good Mexican.)

No, this time I'm going about it in a way that will be fun in order to keep my attention.  I'm going to learn a language that I want to learn, not one that is required to move on to the 11th grade.  And, in all actuality, I'm not going to learn a language what-so-ever!

Ha!  Gotcha, ya wee tatties!

What I plan on learning isn't a language at all but an accent.  You see, this makes more sense.  I've alreadies learned how to talks good, so whyn't i just add to what what I allready knows?

Now, I've considered an accent from the south.  That wouldn't be too hard.  I have family from southern Georgia, dad having been raised in little old Ludiwici. Problem with a southern accent, though, is that it seems everyone is doing it.  I refuse to conform.

I thought Rastafarian would be cool, but dope makes me paranoid and voodoo dolls scare the shit out of me.

Pirate talk?  Nah.  Pirates just look like they smell bad, and I for one, like to shower at least once every third day or so. Hey, Johnny Depp, dude, really?  Soap even comes in a bottle now, buddy!

*Editors note - This Johnny Depp comment was tossed in nonchalantly, knowing this will get the biggest reaction and bring the most comments and hate mail.  Ron, may or may not be smarter than he thinks.

So...I pick Scottish slur.  And this is how I plan on going about learning to talk like a Scott.  First off I'm running out to the pub, having eight or nine pints, before getting into a knock down brawl with a gang of Manchester United hooligans. (fuckin snaggle toothed Brits!)  After that, I'm going to tune into the Craig Ferguson show every  night until I figure out why in the hell he thinks that it's funny to open his show using a sock for his opening monologues.  Once I figure that out, I'm sure I'll change my mind about learning my new accent, but I promise, at this time, to keep trying.  Next, I'll check out every Irvine Welsh book I can find at the library, and when I can't translate anything Irvine has written I'll dig out my copy of Trainspotting and have a week long marathon, studying the intricacies of diving into a shitty Scottish toilet, swimming after heroine nuggets in order to have baby head-spinnin' sweat trip.

Okay, I know what you're saying.  Ron, you've forgotten the most important aspect of Scot talk. The way a real man from the homeland would communicate with their loved ones.  The gentle, sweet and considerate way he might send flowers or slip a love note into their sweethearts Braveheart lunch box.

Well, no, ya doss cunts, I haven't.


  1. Growing up in Florida, you couldn't help pick up some Spanish along the way. It just kind of happens. Now that we are "up north" the daughter takes German. She loves it.
    BTW - I LOVE me some Frida Kahlo. She is my favorite artist.

  2. My daughter is a polyglot. She speaks so many languages, the bitch can cuss me out from all points on the map. Other end of the spectrum, my son who thinks that Danes are from Danish. yeah. shut up. I took french, and spanish. Stop trying to learn a new one when you could just do sign language, because hardly anyone can do that and they NEVER make you do verbs/conjunction/possessive pronouns or any of that kind of dog shit. Just make mad mojo hand movements. It's awesome.

  3. I like me a wee bit of Gaelic ya know?

  4. I love this post! Ha! I'm all about accents. I can speak in many different kinds. My college roommate and I would pick one some evenings and refuse to speak in anything but that the entire night. It was hilarious! Well, we thought so...

    On another note, sorry you will be thinking of prime rib next time you hear "Sex on Fire". Ha! And, also, thanks for putting me on your blog roll! I feel so honored. :) I need to update mine somethin' fierce!

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