Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Playing car games, and other ways to end up in the hospital.

Growing up I played 'slug bug' with my older brothers in the back seat of dads 1972 Chevy Impala.  The way this worked out was, they would see a Volkswagen and, I sitting in the middle, and being about sixty-two pounds lighter and two and half feet shorter than my two brothers, would not see it.  Rules being rules, it was at this time I would get slammed, from both sides, from each of my siblings, one Tyson kidney punching me, the other giving me a shot to the fleshy part of my upper leg.  This was always done with as much malice and complete disregard for my feelings and extreme pain I'd experience while playing this family fun car game.


Anyway, 'slug bug' is both timeless and universal, right?  Everyone plays.  Take for instance, the first time I played with my lovely girlfriend, on our first date.  I thought 'cool'.  She plays, and not only does she play, she started it.  What I didn't know, is that there are levels in which people play.  She, unlike me and my brothers and every other person I had played with in the past, didn't punch me in the arm hard.  More like a flirtatious swat, followed by a cute little giggle and smile.  I smiled back, and jokingly proclaimed "It's on, biatch!"

So, after a nice dinner and a couple drinks we jumped in my vehicle, wrapping up the date, me taking her home.  My plan, being the gentleman that I am, figured I'd throw myself at her in complete desperation, offered to stay the night with her.  After all, it was late and dark and you just never know who could be lurking in this nasty world we live in.  Before I propositioned her with an offer she couldn't refuse, a rusted out, light blue Volkwagen pulled up side of us at a red light.  Seeing this, and seeing that she was oblivious to this fact, I turned to her, smiled all sexy like and proceeded to scream 'slug bug!' and then punched her in the leg.


This was the first time I'd heard her use any sort of vulgarity, and hasn't been the last.  Actually, for the next week she pretty much used every profane word ever conjured, conceived and made up by people on Urbandictionary every time that I called her.  And you might be thinking that because I did indeed call her, all one hundred and twenty eight times, that would be considered stalking, but it's not.  Why?  Because I'm with her now, and, at the last minute she decided to drop the restraining order when I promised to never play 'slug bug' with her again.  And the kicker that kept her coming back for more Ron lovin', I was to purchase her a day spa treatment of her choice.  She claimed it would help the bruises go away.

Since then we don't play 'slug bug' much anymore, mostly because I've learned my lesson.  Spa treatments are way too expensive.

We do have a new game we play when we're traveling though.  It's competitive, challenging and best of all, it involves nasty sex!!!

We call it 'porno plates'.

This is how it works so you and your loved ones can get to gettin' it on.

Rule one...you need to be in a car of some sort, preferably one with air bags and roll bars in case the fun gets out of hand and attention begins to wain.  Next rule...with complete attention turned to license plates of other cars (therefore the need for rule number one) you pick out the letters and number and then with each letter complete a sentence that spells out something nasty, demeaning, sexual, gross, masochistic or something Jenna Jameson might scream out while on set.

Here, you give it a try...

What'd you come up with? See, the way I read this plate and put my 'porno plate' spin on it was this.

Nasty Little Whore (069 is self-explanatory)

Ain't that fun, huh?

Here, try another!


Don't know about you but the only thing  I could come up with was mustache toting, viperous piehole who more than likely is compensating for something, or possibly hooker strangling douchebag.

Yeah, okay, it has nothing to do with the game but it's my game so I can change the rules whenever I'd like, thank you very much.

Happy travelings!


  1. Ive always wanted a vanity plate that said FAA-Q. Never been able to get it past the DMV.. they are clever little pencil pushers they are!

  2. Number 1....wtf with the picture ...you promised never to show anyone that (lol)
    And mama...What is faa-q?

  3. OK. I had much older big brothers, the words "slug bug" are like yelling "INCOMING" at the VA, not cool. I curl up and start crying and rocking. I did own a volkswagon bug in the 80's and enjoyed the fact that I was driving around terror someone was getting punched if I was on the road and it wasn't me.

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