Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Obion County...bring you're lawn chair and we'll supply the a cost of course!

Seems old Gene Cranicks' home in Obion County, Tennessee burst into flames on Sept 29th, and when he made the call to the fire department, he was put on hold while the dispatcher skimmed up and down the list of 'Paid Their $75 Fire Fee So This Person Is Eligible To Be Treated As If They Are Living, Breathing Somebodies.'  
Problem is, Gene wasn't on the 'PT$75FFSTPIETBTAITAL,BS' list.  After being told of his not being on said list for fire service, he was once again put on hold.  After returning, the dispatcher promptly went on to explain more in depth.

The actual conversation went like this...

DISPATCHER - "Yup...sorry Gene.  I gave the Chief a call, which, by the way, he was pissed because he was golfing, but anyway, when I said it was kinda important, he told me that you the only list you are on is the 'YASBYDPY$75FSF,BSYHIBLABKBF,WSOTFTCUSS' list.

GENE - "Uh...wha...?"

DISPATCHER - "Duh, Gene.  If you'd read your renewal to the 'PT$75FFSTPIETBTAITAL,BS' policy, you'd know that what you're getting is the 'YASBYDPY$75FSF,BSYHIBLABKBF,WSOTFTCUSS' policy."

GENE - "What?

DISPATCHER - "Jesus, Gene, you going to make me spell it out for you?  If I do, you know that it would fall under the 'YWMTBMMSIOFYSIHTCY$15TDS' policy. 

GENE - "Ummm..."

DISPATCHER - "It's the 'You're Wasting My Time By Making Me Spell It Out For You So I Have To Charge You $15 To Do So' policy.  Anyway, Gene, point is you're a mooch.  Because you didn't by into the PT$75FFSTPIETB..."

GENE - "The fuck you talkin' about?"

DISPATCHER - "Sheesh Gene, you know.  The 'PT$75FFSTPIETBTAITAL,BS' policy.  You didn't pay it.  So you're now on the 'YASBYDPY$75FSF,BSYHIBLABKBF,WSOTFTCUSS' list.  You know, the 'You Are Scum Because You Didn't Pay Your $75 Fire Service Fee, But Since Your Home Is Burning Like A Beer Keg Bon Fire, We'll Send Out The Firefighters To Cook Up Some Smores' list."

GENE - "Ummm what do I do?"

DISPATCHER - "Good God, Gene, you are some sort of dense.  Everyone knows this falls under the 'BYAFATOTYCDIMMUS'CYSSCBFTMHATFLIBBIDPM$75BTCMUSFSP' life style policy change."

GENE - "What the hell...?"

DISPATCHER - "Gene, Gene, Gene...It's the 'Basically You Are Fucked And The Only Thing You Can Do Is Maybe Make Up Some 'Can You Spare Some Change Because Fire Took My Home And The Firemen Let It Burn Because I Didn't Pay My $75 But They Cooked Me Up Some Fantastic Smores' Placards.

GENE - "Uhhh..."

DISPATCHER - "You want I give the Chief a call and see what it cost for some cardboard boxes and Sharpies?"


  1. I wrote about this today as well. Its a damned shame this shit happens. Over $75 freaking dollars. Its beyond FUBAR. You did a great job of spinning the funny and sadly that's probably close to the way it went down.

  2. This story is wrong on so many ways - the firemen (volunteer mind you) that followed orders and didn't see the ethical way of putting the fire out - Fox News (DiCkHEad Beck) proclaiming this man a 'mooch' amongst other things. Fugly!