Sunday, December 13, 2009


Okay this is a weird one for me.  I find that in my continuing 'Must Die' series, the people that are in the news, on 'Extra' for ungodly days in a row, being manhandled by Chelsea Handler or simply being ridiculed by their political adversaries.  And that makes me happy because most of all, I believe most, okay all, politicians must die.  They set themselves up for it, as if it pumps through the veins of these cretins.

But today I want to talk about Tiger 'Chasing Tail' Woods.

Now I know what you're saying.

"Damn you, haven't we already played four, eighteen hole rounds too many with this guy?"

Or "Do we really care if this low life, wife cheatin', bottom feeding carp ever steps on the green ever again?"

And finally, "Who the fuck cares?  Jesus, I'm going to find another blog out there that isn't discussing this peckerheads  infidelities?"

But before you leave, bear with me.

I don't condone the guy, don't understand his thinking, and for that matter, I believe he only thinks with his penis.  But by God man, how much thinking is 'Lil Tiger' doing jumping from cheat to cheat.  Barely has time to come 'out' for air.

As for his family, my observation is that it's just that, between him and the family.

Remember when ol' Slick Willy left his DNA stained mark on Monica Lewinskys dress.  What business was it of ours?  Because he was our Commander in Chief?  Huh?

Couldn't get him on anything but him living out a fantasy of Cuban cigar coital shenanigans.  Couldn't get him on the Whitewater scandal, Trooper Gate tailgate party, and there was no Iran-Contra type allegations, although he was accused of illegally sending sex toys to the middle east, better known as the Iran-Condom debacle.  So, the guy was impeached by the House, using our wasted dollar and sent on his way two years later with a 66% approval rating.  Gotta love our Democratic process!

During this, I had a friend tell me that President Clintons 'ways' were a national security issue.  Huh?!  Why?  Because there was a good chance Hillary would go nuclear, disintegrating most of the eastern seaboard?

Had nothing to do with national security.  It had everything to with the fact that the guy loves to wet his wiener.

Same goes for Tiger.  Who does it harm, his chasing restaurant waitresses around high end, luxury hotel suites other than his family?

It certainly isn't going to affect the PGA.  Sure, he's taking a break but we all know that won't last long.  He'll be back.  They will make sure of that, because if they aren't making money, the players aren't making money, and if this happens, John Daly will more than likely lose his contract contacts with Harrah's and Jack Daniels.  And that isn't going to happen.

Speaking of endorsements, more specifically Eldrick's endorsements?  Pshaah!  We all know that Gillette will pick him up once again once he 'returns' in January, maybe February.  As for the others-Nike, GatorAid, General Mills, Cadillac etc. etc. etc., they won't leave him stranded, not for long anyway.  They can't afford it, especially knowing that someone else will pick him up quicker than Tiger can pick up a showgirl in Vegas.  He's a cash cow.

Hell, he'll probably get a few directly linked to this controversy.  Trojan maybe?  KY Jelly?  Or the Deja Vu strip club franchise?

No, the reason I'm thinking Tiger Woods must go away, must die, is that with all the money in the world, the skill to control a tiny white ball like no one in the history of golf...with all that going for him, he is a ridiculous idiot.  Doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even a professional golfer, to know that if you slice your balls into the water too many times, the groundskeeper is going to figure you out and chase you out of the country club.  An absolute 'tard that has no business taking up air space on television any more then he has the right to lead the Abstinence Clearinghouse or Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

And because he's a complete moron, we the general public have to hear about it day in and day out?  Knowing full well, that this too will pass as the Clinton controversy did, just as Kobe Bryant walked away unscathed after raping and the way Nick Nolte is still an icon, even after that mugshot?  We should be tortured because he's a hypothetical, narcissistic man-stain on our hypothetically speaking Monica Lewinsky cocktail dress?

His lifestyle is of no concern, doesn't affect my families decisions, and honestly, doesn't have any say in what kind of sneakers I find myself shopping for.

He is everywhere, all the time, and I'm damn'd tired of him.  Simply, that is the only reason, the most important reason I believe the world would be a better place if he were to get run down, gruesomely, by a retired, half blind dentist behind the wheel of a souped up golf cart.

So DIE Tiger!  I want my television viewing habits back, uninterrupted by another 'breaking news story' of your discretion's!

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