Monday, December 7, 2009

Wii All Need a Little Religion

The other night my son, my lovely girlfriend and myself were six hours into a Dexter marathon when an interesting topic of discussion came up.  Interesting because how or why it came up during Dexter is still a bone of contention, considering he was putting a 12 inch carving knife through the heart of a Saran wrapped victim.

Wouldn't it be cool to design a game that mixed the aerobic energy needed to burn some calories while at the same time, saving your soul?

"HA!!!  That would be friggin' cool," I said responding to my thirteen year old boy.

Truth be told, my son and myself did a whole lot more laughing than my beloved girlfriend did. Funny.  Some people take offense when conversation turns to video games religion.

So, goes like this.  We got to thinking how spiritually uplifting, cardio building and generally ass laughing fun it would it be to combine computer video game playing with religion.

Let me explain, starting with video games.

Bowling.  Everyone loves it, especially that geeky, pock face high school kid that constantly got beat up on the football field.  Now make it interactive. The Nintendo Wii has done just that.  You stand in front of the T.V., aim at ten pins down the lane then with a wildly retarded looking swing of your arm that holds the controller, thus magically sending your ball rolling down the screen, the lane, until the ball goes in the gutter. That's how I roll, baby! Okay, so not only have you got a mildly small workout, burning say, 22 calories, but you also wake the next morning with a severe case of bowling elbow, controller arthritis and laughter directed at you by your youngest son for being an old fart.

Now here is how the religion would meet gaming.

The tutorial starts out the game.  You enter the ROTC (Recruiting Offenders Training Center) where you learn to knock on doors trying to convert sinners, pedal your Schwinn, going from one tainted community to next, accepting free meals to keep your energy high, slinging pamphlets at interested soul searchers and, in case you might end up in Indonesia you learn another language.  These people would be on expert level, having already conquered and spread the word through all of Texas and Florida.

Before you leave the ROTC, you get to choose your religion.  You can be Jewish, Southern Babtist, Hindu, Catholic, Mormon or a Korean shaman.  But choose wisely because by picking the 'wrong' religion your, and depending on the faith you put your stock in, your energy, faith, belief  spiritual guidance points can deteriorate quicker.

Once you leave the ROTC you practice your skills in your new home that takes you away from your family, your friends and your girlfriend that is probably already moved on with the high school quarterback, which if you can withstand the humiliation of this and move on yourself you receive 'humble' points, thus bringing you closer to God.  Plus, you gain the inside knowledge that Karma is a bitch, and she'll be struck down by Lucifer with a nasty case of herpes.

Biking from place to place you would use the technologically advanced controller that supplied. Strapped to your legs, arms, your temples (Ha ha ha!) and a hand held one that would be used to swing the Bible or the Koran at rabid pitbulls.  This new technology would give you a realistic duplication of movement so precise that it's almost scary.  Ringing doorbells or running from an angry mob of atheists would be acted out just as you would in real life.  Even the handshake, if done properly, with the proper grip, you would convey strength, empathy, tolerance and love all in one firm meeting of the hands.  This is a perfect way to gain  points.

By entering the homes of unknowing converts, you now have the opportunity to show off your faith skills.  By getting them to sit through the first lesson, then the next and the next, you slowly build your way up the 'religious hierarchy' chain and closer to eternal bliss.

Paying your 10% tithing, though at the time decreases your monetary wealth, down the golden road to righteousness, gains you more and more paisley ties, giving you obedience points.

Don't be fooled though.  The 'evil' one, Satan, won't be beaten back so easily though.

Along your journeys you'll encounter temptation lurking behind every dark crevice.  There will be strangers offering you coffee when you enter their home, and while it will give you a temporary boost, in the long run, it will knock off deity points.  You will run across those crazy followers of Darwin and the Evolutionaries, the local rock band, with their chart topping hit 'Rockin' You with Science.'  

 Worst of all, the nasty tree huggin' Liberal.  When meeting up with these people, if you're strong enough at the time, your can dissuade these horrible people by claiming Obama, though not cowering in a school room full of six year olds,  was the reason for the war in Afghanistan.

Or if you can convince the leftist leaning Democrat pigs that the increasing debt incurred over the past eight years actually began after Bush left office, then a seat in heaven next to the Almighty will be yours.

So...if there are any video game designers out there, if, and when you make this idea come to life, I'd sure appreciate a little Hail Mary sent my way.  My cut would only be 10%

Can I get a big old amen brother?!

1 comment:

  1. Weird...we both covered religion today...gaming missionairies...I like it...