Sunday, December 27, 2009

Chewy Toy

Christmas has come and gone, ushering us toward a new year, with lots to look forward to and much we can look back on in total frick'n dismay.  A year that I for one, am damn'd glad it's coming to an end, with a hint of sci-fi animal stench that can only seen, but never described.

Tell me this isn't the most hideous piece of future 're-gifting' you've ever seen in your life!

And this is just how it ended.  I hope yours concluded more brilliantly and a whole lot less bright than mine did.

God bless ya, mom!

Anyways, the year wasn't particularly a good one.  So many misfortunes and upheaval, like the death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, all on the same day.  The King of Pop, the gloved wonder, mysteriously moon walked off into a distant strange after-life suite, full of spiderman mask wearing angels sipping Jesus juice and serving his every need, how heinous it might be.  Freak!

More tragic is Farrah.  She was always my favorite personal Charlies Angel.  Struck with the cancer and my childhood wank poster has long been misplaced.  What's a forty-one year old man to do?

We started the new year with a new President.  Yeeyowsa, people!  Gonna miss Bush, ain't we, with all his seven week vacations and Iraqi shoe tossing games he got himself involved in?  I mean when they cut those marionette strings that Cheney and Karl Rove were controlling, well, we lost the perfect politician to make fun of.  You know how the world tried to fix the lack of 'funny' now that 'W' left office?  NBC gave us Jay Leno in prime time.  Kind of makes you want the little fucker back, huh?

Edna Parker 114 years, 115 days old of Indiana held the title of the oldest living human for all of three months and some odd days, til she died 'unexpectedly' when she found out David Letterman, native to her state, and love of her life, had cheated on her with his wife.  In Letterman's defense, Edna became confused during her 112th year on the the planet.

Speaking of cheating, who could forget Tiger.  Probably no one, but good gawd, let's try!

There were other sports figures in the news, though.  Take Tour de France winner, Alberto Contador, which the best I can tell is the Spanish way of saying 'gift' because Lance Armstrong decided to just take third place.

 But I'd rather get away from the glitter of death and the sad state of the nation, and onto my crazy, bungee jump sort of year.  Lots of ups and downs, but from my perspective on the year is that I can only come out of it a stronger man.  That being said and on a side note, I am taking donations of the soap-on-a-rope kind.  Long story, don't ask, but has nothing to do with a short stint in county lock-up due my defending the honor of a tie-dye wearing, flat chested young lady fresh off the bus from somewhere near the Tetons.

Hey, I said don't ask.

Before the incident I was the proud manager of a relentlessly horrible optical retail outlet.  Where doesn't matter - EyeGlass World - but the 'why?' that I despised this place with such a passion that was so deep and dark that I considered taking my own life by thrusting an extremely sharp, polycarbonate,  hyperopic lens blank through my sclera...that, my friends, is the point I'm trying to make.  I did opt out at the last moment when I was thankfully fired by my boss, the CHEST.  First thing she'd done right the whole time I was employed there.

I took up writing, once again.  My blog, scuzzymoney, was started back in late 2008 and then soon there after, sat, collecting dust, until, once again,  I rebooted the old laptop and have yet to look back.  Through these tirades and print-directly-to-the-internet(s) episodes of diarrhea, I've been doing what I love.  And even if you aren't laughing, I am.  And what I've found is that if I can only make myself laugh, at least someone is laughing, and in my tiny world, that's good enough.  But thanks anyway!

I've met a beautiful woman who makes me happy.  A sincerely genuine person, gorgeous, smart and funny, and more importantly, is more than willing to sucker punch me in the groin if I make stupid decisions, based on lapses in better judgement, which, in the past have been the trademark for my life.

Got one thing to say to you, sweety........

All in all not a good year, not really a bad year either, but by God, it was a year.  I'm betting there isn't a single person out there that can argue with me on that.

And because I know that some people have had as self-incriminating, more downtrodden, a livelier itch in their nether regions, or flat out had a 'more' eventful year than myself, than I'm ready to help a hand. By proving, anything or anyway or anyhow, that might make yourself more pitiful than myself, then I'll consider sending my fine piece of Walmart, 100% cotton t-shirt, inflamed with Chewbacca, right on the front, to you to help bring some cheer back into your life.  It's the least I can do for someone so despondent to take me up on such an offer.  Good luck!

1 comment:

  1. Jimminy Cricket on crack! If I did not laugh at your post I dont know what!!!