Recently, I discovered a blog goddess, none other than Midwesternmamah at http://midwesternmamah.blogspot.com/. Her blog Are You Serious is funny, smart, witty, gives reasons for loving Monkey Butt Powder and makes bold statements about cornholes and peengles. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, just find her at her blog http://midwesternmamah.blogspot.com/ and catch up. She's great, in a sordid and usually demented way, but I'm in love.
That being said, I am a little disappointed. Not at Midwesternmamah, but the fact that she came up with Suck A Fart Wednesday and not me. Now truth be told, I would have placed it on Tuesday, because I find most the dirt is stirred on that day, but none the less, Suck A Fart Wednesday is the most humorous weekly blog segment I've read in a long time. You can almost smell the funny.
This got me thinking. What better way to upstart Midwesternmamah, while at the same time presenting my own special award to the ones that I feel the most disdain, dislike and/or the person that makes me want to drink curdled milk just to get rid of the nasty taste they have given me at that particular moment.
My plan is to hand out a weekly (maybe not weekly)(maybe more often because there are a lot of fucking stupid people in this world) award to the person, place, thing or sculpture made out of margarine, green beans and cigarette ash that stirs up that nauseous feeling in my innards. It will be prestigious and powerful and it will be a badge of
'Nough fooling around already. Nough talk, let's get to it. Here it comes, wait for it, wait...and...
The Haggis Award!
a) *crowd goes wild*
b) *tree falls in the woods and there isn't anyone around to hear it*
c) *both A and B*
Okay, The Haggis Award! will consider many variables in determining if one is eligible. Be a douche, asshat, or a celebrity caught taking it in the pooper on the dance floor at the trendiest Vegas nightclub, and you automatically qualify. Or, maybe and often times a hypocritical Oxycontin poppin' politician is caught hiking the Andes with his nanny, that would get a nod. Or you could be the regular joe schmo in line at Taco Bell that can't make up his mind whether he wants three chalupas, six hard shell tacos, four bean and cheese burritos and twelve potato nugget thingys that Ore-Ida probably distributes, or...he wants six chalupas, only two hard shell tacos, five bean and cheese burritos and three potato nugget thingys that Ore-Ida probably distributes, while all you want is a large Diet Coke. That will always bump you to the top of the list, you slothful gob of gerkin. (Gerkin - my favorite Palininsm.)
Hell, The Haggis Award! could go to Mel Gibson, better yet I could have named it in his honor, but it won't because it's gotta go to someone not only deserving, but also someone who won't call my distinguished award a "cunt" and leave rage filled, anti-Semitic voice mails, all the while hoping The Haggis Award! are "raped" by a band of rogue Scots. Or whatever. But, most importantly, The Haggis Award! should go to someone who won't appreciate it. And we all know that the fucker likes haggis, whether freshly boiled or twice regurgitated.
Basically, you, and you will soon know who you are, must offend me at the highest level of ineptitude, arrogance and suckitbitchism.
So, without further ado, I present to you the first
Yup, that's right, haggis is the first recipient of The Haggis Award! I figure for you to all understand the magnitude of what this award is, and what better than to point out the reason this Scottish delicacy is the offender and the trophy.
Let me start by saying that I am of Scottish ancestry. Someone can be found climbing around a family tree rooted deep in the soil of Scotland, but, and this is big, I wouldn't feed that to my worst enemies. So if I offend anyone, I say to you "Grow balls, you pussy!"
Back to business. Haggis is a delicacy containing sheep's pluck (in English, means sheep's guts, the entrails of the family dog, the last weeks leftovers and whatever can be scraped off the bottom of the ice chest), then is minced up and stuffed inside of the stomach of whatever animal has crawled up and died on the front lawn. And, if it's been a particularly good week at the coal mines, a dash of salt and suet is sprinkled over this chef's nightmare.
Now some people might enjoy this, but you've had a chance to get that sick feeling while imagining what this shit must taste like while looking at the pictures, so to those who are inclined to defend haggis, I say knock it! Or you'll be next weeks The Haggis Award! recipient.
Oh, one last thing, don't forget to checkout http://midwesternmamah.blogspot.com/. It'll change your life, I tell you.