Monday, August 23, 2010

Racist biaaatch!

So you've all heard Dr. Laura went off on her radio show, ranting and raving, flapping her hairy, demon like wings, saying the unmentionable N word.  Due to the nature of the word, N, I won't repeat it, because I don't want my sponsors going nuts and the press crucifying me to the point where I have to step down from my position as the Man Who Is The Guy in All the Penthouse Forum Stories Especially The Ones About The Hot Lonely Mom Who Isn't Getting Enough Attention and Has Never Taken Her Brand New Maytag For A Proper Spin Cycle Until She Met Me.
Ya...I'm that guy.

Anyway, back to my story (and reality).

Seems Dr. Laura went on and on, telling a caller that she was hyper-sensitive and demonstrating the proper use of the offensive word in question.  This I don't give a rats ass about.  As long as Dr. Laura is eaten slowly and painfully to death by a mound of fist size fire ants, it's none of my concern.

What truly bothers me is that the family dog and a replication of a mangy hemorrhoid on four paws is racist. My girlfriend calls her Saige, I call her a pain in my lily white ass, or Dum Dum, for short.  Anyway, Dum Dum is basically and fundamentally the nastiest kind of racist.  Not this Dr. Laura fluff story that's all over the YouTubes and the counter talk at the local Fu Wongs Nail and Bunion Service Center are discussing.

No, our dog is racist and has no qualms about expressing her opinion anytime a person of color walks past the apartments we live in.  Nor does she feel bad, in the least, as she goes all nuclear shih tzu, barking and doing crazy, out of control flips when the young Chinese man, working his way through college, delivers our Egg Foo Young, Chicken Subgum Chow Mein and fortune cookies.

*Side note - my last fortune read - "Me love you long bed."  Didn't even have to play the 'in bed' game.*

Racist Saige
Dum Dum Saige
When I questioned the furry Ku Klux Klan member, she claims she's just protecting her domain. Classic denial by a bigoted racist scum.

Then while watching the Masters this year, any time Tiger Woods would pull out his seven iron, she'd circle in front of the television, squat and take a long steamy poo on the carpet.  After a good nose rub, I'd get a misguided and completely lame exclamation that she had IBS and couldn't help it.  First off, that's crap and secondly, can dogs have IBS?

I don't know what to do about it.  It's beginning to get out of control.  I've never had animals before, and quite frankly, I've always thought that they have a demented and long seeded desire to make us humans seems like demeaning and full of hatred.  And while there may be some truth to this, I personally try to turn the other cheek whenever possible and think on the whole, most people are good.

Dum Dum, on the other hand, proves that, while we humans are less than perfect creatures, turning to war and persecutions of things we do not fully understand, animals are no better than we primitive, hatred filled, oil spilling, upright standing, animals on two feet.

Regardless, I do walk upright.  I'm bigger. faster and stronger and I have apposing thumbs.  So, if she keeps up the shit, I'm going to pick up the phone, give the young Chinese student a call and see if he wants to come over and watch the next major golf tournament.  I'll even serve up a delectable stir fry platter I've been conjuring up for some time now.

Oh, and kind of on the subject, but not really, Jennifer Aniston was slammed by the Special Olympics for her use of the word 'retard' while discussing her new movie with Regis Philbin.  I don't know the context in which she used it,  because I didn't actually watch the show, but I have my suspicions.


  1. dude, is your dog from the south? I live here, and not to be ugly or anything but all the dogs seem to be super racists. Just saying. Except mine because one is a black lab with a Japanese name and the other is a dalmatian named after a Norse god. So even though they are very full of themselves and pass judgement on me. They are not racist. Like your dog obviously is.

  2. THAT was a funny post.

  3. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that dogs don't see in colors and they get afraid ??
    WTF do I know, I'm half crocked most of the time. Freaking dogs.. cats never discriminate. They hate everyone equally.

  4. LMAO!!! Too a side note, our dog is not racist, "retarded" maybe and yes probably has IBS, but not racist...
    and I'm not a fan of the spin cycle babe LOL