Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Siskel Turns Over in His Grave...From Hell!

I have always wanted to be a film critic. Not any kind of film critic though. I'm talking the film critic that reviews Dick Tracy with Warren Beatty and Madonna and has the nuts to express in bold print and proudly proclaim, "That was a fine piece of cinematography!"


Or how about the guy that put his stamp of approval on Brittany Spears' incurable disease that was Crossroads? Does this man still have a job?

I assume he does, and why? Because they get paid to review movies that are made of detergent and crap-pie.

That being said, why can't I?

So...I'm gonna give it a shot, and hope that because I'm so convincing that in these harsh economically trying times you'll go out and spend your hard earned cash on a complete waste of celluloid and the catered in deli trays.

Okay, so on my first attempt I don't want to spend to much money researching my endeavor so I'll go downstairs to cable t.v. where I know just the place to find a perfectly good load of intolerable cinematography puke.


There has to be a pooper with Meridith Baxter-Birney or Valerie Bertinelli-Van Halen. Always is. Oh...ya!!! Here we go, a real doozy! Let me watch this, take some notes, write this bad boy up and I'll be off and runnin', publishing my first ever movie review. Give me a few hours and I'll be right back at ya with a critique of a stimulating film.

Two minutes later...

Not even I could put a decent spin on that garbage!

Plan B.


I'll grab a newly released DVD, something not many have seen. Maybe a western, or zombie flick or a western/zombie flick. That will be a challenge in proving that I could falsify details enough that you want to not only run, but break laws in order to get this movie.

Back with something good, in a tobacco stained spittoon kind of way.

So this is older but a real suck-ass through a straw kind of film. A horror spectacle with pasty characters, unbearable plot, a stuttering lead and the worst dialogue ever keyed and wasted on perfectly good paper before recycling was popular.

Here goes!!!


Little Nicky - Hell Hath No Fury and Not Nearly the Fun!

The first time I saw Little Nicky I hadn't planned to. A date and mys
elf walked into the wrong theater. Twenty-seven minutes later, after upcoming movie previews, several ads for Diet Coke and Twizzlers, the credits began rolling. It was then that we realized we were in the wrong screening room. My date laid down an ultimatum. Leave this movie or leave her. Years later, I've found that the movie was better than the relationship and I should have taken her up on her offer.

The next time I took it in, I not only got past the credits, but through the entire thing. And what a hellacious treat.

Written by Adam Sandler, he also stars in it as the lead character, Little Nicky, the son of Beelzebub. He's sent back to the surface to 'flask' his even more evil brothers that are pissed that they aren't being handed the throne of Satan. He's supposed to bring them back to Hell. Hilarity ensues.

First, he meets Mr. Beefy, a talking bulldog that claims to be an old friend of the satanic daddy of all daddies. Mr. Beefy points, or paws, Little Nicky in all the right directions trying with all his puppy might to keep him out of trouble. Check out the marijuana cake scene...nothing is funnier than a possessed Adam Sandler and a chubby bulldog higher than Heaven itself.

Then, for the women out there that don't want to believe they've spent their evening wasted watching a horribly produced, over-acted Adam Sandler dud, there is the complimentary love story. Ingenious. Patricia Arquette plays Little Nicky's love interest. A bland, unattractive woman, which by the way, she excels at magnificently. She falls for him, he divulges his evil and heinous background to her and everyone lives happily ever after, blah, blah, blah....

The movie is full of great actors such as Rodney Dangerfield, Harvey Keitel, Kevin Nealon, Dana Carvey, Henry Winkler and Quentin Tarantino as the blind deacon, which we all know, if Tarantino is gonna act, he definitely needs a character prop such as Leber's congenital amaurosis as an excuse.

The only excruciatingly painful part in the movie is the sadistic Rob Schnieder cameo. "You can do it!" All I can say is I just hope some earthly being kills him and he lands an eternal sentence of burning at the stakes of the Dark Lord!

So going into this movie expecting the Exorcist, a person will be disappointed but all and all a great late night waste of time. Just don't bring a date!


Convincing? You bet it was! So from now on, maybe once a week or until the hate filled e-mails start flowing in, insisting I stop, I'll keep 'em coming.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you really didn't like Dick Tracy. My sister and I ended up seeing it years ago in the theater, but only because the movie we had traveled an hour and half to see (what happens when you live in the sticks) wasn't playing. It was one of the few movies I wanted to walk out of...but didn't, because we had traveled an hour and half after all.