Tuesday, February 9, 2010

CID #342051

Confession  I had an opportunity to spend some time time in jail recently.  Twenty four days and three hours to be exact.  All for the sake of researching why God hangs out with inmates.

Actually, I'm just messing with ya.  Actually, dumb, dumb, dumb...but a life experience, a learned lesson and something that I plan on never doing again.

For my sake, and yours, since I brought it up, let me explain.

Drinking and driving.  Don't do it, kids!  Ain't worth it.  During the time in my life that I was was caught with a BAC of somewhere between a 0.13 and thinking I could fly, if only I could remember what the hell I was doing.  High.  Way too high to realize that a cab would have been a wiser choice, yet not high enough to have decided that dancing on a barstool wearing only my boxer shorts.  And thank God for that because I think I was wearing my lucky Homer Simpson drawers.  I would have had to rethink luck.


Way!  Too!  High!

That being said, I hope, and like to think that I've learned from it.  I haven't had a drink in nearly nine months.  Now, I don't want anyone telling me "Wow, that's fantastic!" or "I'm proud of you." or even and especially "Shit dude, let's go knock back several shots of 5150 Tequila Blanco, washed down with eight or nine pints of Hefeweizen!"  It is what it is and I know what I need to do to not do it again.  That's all.

So I've taken a whole lot from this experience, both good but mostly bad. I am trying to put a positive spin on it it, but it can be trying. Believe me, the embarrassment, financial ruin, shame and the time I had to spend in tight quarters with smelly guys where personal hygiene comes no where near to topping their list of priorities has made me a time or two get down on myself. 

Actually, truth be told, I've spent mucho time beating myself up over this.

But...here comes the positive   Wait for it...wait....wait...a little bit longer...okay.  Here goes.

Through all this I found family.  Good lord, if they can stand by me through all the shit I put 'em through, they would stand by me through just about anything.  Love ya, guys!

Then, Christel.  The most beautiful woman that a man could ask for that, I,  through all this, dragged through the mud, muck, anguish, turmoil and worst of all, into the visiting room at the Spokane County Jail.  You, my love, I thank from the bottom of my heart.  I can hardly put my trousers on in the morning without you, let alone have got through this debacle.

Another angle on the positive is that I've compiled a whole bunch of crazy stories.  Stories that I plan on implementing in my writing.  Let me tell you all, fact is absolutely stranger than fiction.  So, now that Cool Hand Luke is a free man, having gagged down his last pickled egg, you'll be seeing more and more from me, parlaying stories of Stonie, toilet paper soccer (which I might add, is whole lot more exciting than the real thing), the Keister bunny, spades and Shit on a Stick.

So, be patient people, if you choose...because I'm back, with an even more twisted perspective on life and a focused knowledge that God does indeed hang out in jail, reading Harlequin romances and whittling chess pieces out of soap.


  1. :D Fantastic post. I especially appreciate the part about finding family.


    Just out of curiosity...

    Are those soap chess pieces available as an entire set?

  2. Thank you very much...it truly was an experience I'll take with me the rest of my life.

    As for the chess set, Ace was working on them and I wouldn't know how to get ahold...other than something illegal. ;)